This is something I have been pondering all day - and I came to the rather tongue in cheek conclusion that some people don't actually understand the part of their vows when they say - forsaking all others - they are not saying fornicating with all others - yes its an old fashioned word - but if you don't know what it means - then ask someone before you make that vow.
Seriously, I've been trying to work out why it seems that infidelity is HUGE. Is it because there is no really deep love and respect for their partner, is it arrogance that they won't get caught, or is just that it's so easy these days with the internet, cellphones, bars etc to find someone else.
I do think that the modern technology has facilitated infidelity - what starts out as an innocent email or text - can turn into light flirtation and then progress from there - people hide behind the supposed anonymity of the technology to start with - no risk of being turned down to your face ... test the waters - instant gratification even - always someone there.
Then you have bars and clubs - well we all know that alcohol helps people to loose their inhibitions - and most people when they are out seem to drink to excess - and therefore have no inhibitions left...although it does seem quite interesting that they are still inhibited enough to make sure they lie about their marital or relationship status.... hmmmmm
Being out of town, away on conference, stag nights etc - seem to make some people think they can behave in any way they like - that their misbehaviour is invisible if it's away from home town eyes - or their partner.
That's the thing - if the partner knew how they were behaving then they wouldn't behave in this manner (well you would hope not at any rate) - so that shows that they know their behaviour is morally wrong - however people still do it.
Why do it? Why get married (or into a committed relationship) if they have no intention of staying true to the one that you have pledged to love til the day you die? No one is forcing people to marry - or to be in a relationship they are unhappy in. In some cases it's just gobsmacking that only a few months after marrying a stunning women that they are out on the prowl again.
I have done a bit of market research over the last few years and spoken to many unfaithful married men (all ages and walks of life) - I've asked why they do it and how they manage to cope with guilt (surely they must have a conscience?) Well the guilt is the easy part seemingly - "You just disassociate yourself from it - its purely a physical thing" And why do it "excitement, new person, risk, fun, makes me feel good, haven't had sex for several weeks or months even" but surprisingly the most common one for serial adulterers - "I don't know"
I talked to one man the other night (who was flirting outrageously) who said that if he was going to be unfaithful he would rather pay someone - that way it becomes a business transaction for a service - and not an affair - two completely different things in his eyes...hmmmm not so sure his fiancee would agree with that?
How can we regain the morality, honesty, trust? I feel we need to do this for many reasons but first and foremost, so that we can preserve the family unit for the sake of our children going - for our society as a whole?
Do we start telling the partners? (that's if the person has been honest enough to admit to having one in the first place!) Maybe if we start telling partners then people realise the risk of being found out is great - and the repercussions (ie loss of relationship) may be enough to make sure they don't risk it. It's like children - if they have no consequences for their actions - then they will keep doing it - esp if it feels good - no ones going to stop them so why not do it? But really should imposement of negative consequences be the influencing factor for fidelity? Surely fidelity should be based in love, respect and honesty?
Do we say no to even dating someone until we have done a thorough background check to ascertain that they are in fact telling the truth? (Facebook and other social networking tools do come in handy these days to check out these things) Or am I overreacting - do we not worry about it - just accept it - and maybe just aim for honesty within the relationships rather than fidelity being the focus?
Really I don't know what the answers are ... does anyone else have the answers? Is anyone else even concerned about this epidemic we have?
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1 comment:
Am interesting post. I hadn't caught up with your November posts until now.
I live in the land of flirting, of quite blatant, accepted, open infidelity.
At first I was offended by all that I saw around me, and had to remind myself not to make judgements in another culture. Later I saw what I consider to be two sides to the story. It doesn't make me more comfortable with it, but maybe more tolerant of things which are perhaps more honest and open here than in other cultures.
Single, I have been approached by nore married men than single ones. Now they no longer bother me, they see that I wont respond.
My friend base remains small, I spend my evenings alone. I am romantic at heart, and know that "one day my prince will come". But until that day, "better safe than sorry", I say.
I notice that you mention only the men being unfaithful. How could they be, if the women turned them down? "It takes two to tango", I believe. Perhaps we should start by teaching our daughters well? At the end of the day, it is the woman who has the power to say "no".
Or do we accept that it is a part of life, almost "normal"? Marriage is a social institution created to protect children. Perhaps monogomy is not the norm for the human race?
Infidelity is not new... look at the history of the Kings and Queens with their consorts and lovers. Each generation repeats history, just a little differently. Here, in 2009, we are not likely to lose our political positions -or our heads -if we refuse to hand our daughters over to the monarch who fancies a little dalliance on the side. Infidelity may be more open now, but it has always been there.
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